If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He better not be in your backpack
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
