WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
