I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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