He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
