i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
