I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
