Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
