I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
