I faked an abortion last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
