Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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