you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
