clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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