I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
