i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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