I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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