he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
