mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
