i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
