I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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