I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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