dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
