In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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