You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
