So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
