i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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