I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
