dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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