Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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