I saw his package. It spoke to me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
