I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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