I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
