My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
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