Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We left the knife in your bed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
