I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
