now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She bit a glass in half.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
