saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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