the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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