Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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