The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
