My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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