dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
