All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
