i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
