Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
