Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My breasts were aching with rage.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
