She is in my trunk
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
