you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
