you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
