i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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