if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
